


Karkat Claus

by NoodleTiger



Category: Homestuck
Genre: 12 Days of Christmas, Christmas, First Person, Gen, Homestuck Secret Santa Exchange 2014, Karkat rambling on and on, Nothing bad other than Karkat's potty mouth tbh, Tumblr, for Sassy-Bird-Strider, pretty much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-03 08:03:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2843948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoodleTiger/pseuds/NoodleTiger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The days Karkat experienced on the meteor where often startlingly boring. But at Christmas, he had decided to change this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Karkat Claus

**Author's Note:**

> This is my Secret Santa Gift for Sassy-Bird-Strider on Tumblr! Merry Christmas and hope you like your gift! Have a great holiday! ^.^

**November 29th**

I have set myself a challenge.

And not any challenge.

I, Karkat Vantas, am assigning myself the daunting challenge of, yes, Christmas.

 You may be wondering,  _'What is Christmas?'_  because I'd defiantly heard squat of it before now. 

 It all began when I stumbled across Dave's beautiful screech of a sing voice, covering a green tree with little tacky spheres and a scratchy substance that sparkled like it was a fucking light show. Despite the urge to vomit, I politely asked Dave what the hell he was doing and why he was assaulting us all with his poor excuse of a singing voice. 

 I was met with the reply of, "Come on man, it's Christmas. Drop the attitude."

 I naturally responded with a snarky commentary of my own devise of dropping his own attitude. I then asked, again, what he was doing and why, as it was obviously a waste of not only his, but all of our time. Of course, he did not listen to my ground breaking advice and continued to torture the poor human tree with his decorations and singing. 

 I asked again why he must agonise us so.

 "I’m singing Christmas songs? You know, the Twelve Days of Christmas? Like how have you not heard it before? It's practically played  _everywhere_ this time of year."

 "Yes, but your ignoring the fact that we are of totally different cultures and planets, dickwad, so I have no fucking clue what you're talking about or what the hell Christmas is!"

 I thought I had actually managed to throw Dave off his high horse for once, but then he gasped dramatically and threw a hand to his heart, feigning distress. "Never heard of Christmas? What the  _shit?_ How have you lived? I think I might just faint!" 

 "Yeah yeah, the fans fair and the world carries on turning without you, Strider. Just tell me what it is before I change my mind."

 Finally, Dave cut to the chase. He described it as 'a festive time of year where families and bros gather to celebrate the birth of a guy by giving each other presents and shit.'

 Eloquent as usual, Strider.

 Nevertheless, he got me thinking. Wouldn't this 'Christmas' be the perfect opportunity to learn more about human culture and all the while spread joy and cheer?

 Okay, or just give myself something to do as these human 'years' are passing so fucking slowly I think my brain might rot?

 Yes, Christmas it was. 

 From now on, I will be recording a detailed guide on how to replicate human 'Christmas' so people can learn of my success. 

 If any of you actually care. 

 

**November 30th**

 Okay, I didn't realise I'd fuck up so early on. 

 That 'Twelve Days of Christmas' garbage Dave was singing yesterday? I meticulously searched the meteor for the whole day to find one  _scrap_ of information on Christmas. I was disbelieved by my founding.

 Humans give out  _364 PRESENTS AT CHRISTMAS! EACH!_ That’s what the song adds up to!And they're shitty presents too! Like who wants 11 Pipers Piping at ALL as a gift, and what the  _fuck_ is a  _French hen?!_

Why is this holiday so treasured by humans? Why do they care for it so much? 

 Maybe but participating in this stupid ritual I'll find out why. 

 

**December 1st**

The partridge in the pear tree has been set. 

 The pear tree wasn't too hard to alchemise, surprisingly, but I don't think this 'partridge' came out right.

 I asked Rose what a partridge was and she told me it was a type of bird, a lusus like creature, apparently. I don't know what they're supposed to look like but is it meant to have wings? Why would you put a winged lusus in a tree, and how do you keep it there? 

 Why did I even start this stupid tirade?

 

**December 2nd**

Now this is just getting fucking weird. 

 Is this some sort of joke? 

 Like is this whole thing a set up made by Strider to make me look like a fool?

 If this is, fuck you. 

 If not, what the hell were the humans making on that planet?!

 A 'Turtle Dove,' if this stupid machine can even make those things, is a shelled lusus with green wrinkly skin. This abomination has no right to exist. 

 I tried to communicate with the creature, hoping that it would have inteligence to make up for it's appearance, but I think I just made more of a fool of myself. 

 Damn you to hell, Strider. 

 

**December 3rd**

My torture is paying off to an extent. 

 The creation of the 'French Hens' has brought me long awaited joy. Once again, having made the winged lusus, I tried to inform them of their duties. But, like all earth creatures, they were stupid and immediately ran off. 

 While cursing my own luck, I chased after them to find a sight that could only have been sent by some divine spirit or such. 

 The French Hens had attacked Dave in an attempt to steal the food he was currently shoving in his mouth hole. Ah, what a beautiful sight, watching Strider trying to fend off three winged lususes, crying in pain and cursing. If only I had had a camera. 

 

**December 4th**

What is it with humans and their winged... things? Yet  _another_ 'bird' came from today's alchemy. This time, they were all squawking.

 How is deafening me at all calling?! Doesn't that imply, oh I don't know, flute sounds and a pleasant melody? Not cymbals clashing together?”

 At least the humans have started to take note of my hard efforts, and about fucking time too. 

 I heard Dave complaining to Rose about his Hen attack, and then also complaining about his other suffering by other winged beasts. Rose asked him a few more questions. 

 I think she's onto me. 

 I'm going to enlist Kanaya's help tomorrow to help keep her off the trail. I've got this far, I'm not quitting now. I've wasted too much of my fucking time on this. 

 

**December 5th**

 I have made a grave mistake. 

 Today, I told Kanaya to meet me in the lab, alone. She came, puzzled, but ready and waiting for me to enlighten her. I related to her the incident six days prior, of Dave and the tree, and I was met with a reply I was not expecting. 

 "I thought that Christmas only occurred over a 24 hour period?" 

  She relayed to be the information she had previously been told by Rose, and how people exchanged gifts only on Christmas day itself. 

 I have made a lot of errors in my 7 sweeps of my existence but this may have been the most pointless yet most frustrating. 

 Kanaya and I have teamed up for the final coup d’etat. Tomorrow, we will initiate Christmas.

  It can literally not get any shittier than it is now. 

 

**December 6th**

Fuck you all. Fuck. You. All. 

 Especially you, Strider, for giving me this idea in the first place.

 I have never been more humiliated. 

 Kanaya and I worked pretty much all night to get 78 pointless gifts ready and assembled. Did you know the last few gifts were  _people?_ Like I knew earth was fucked up but I didn't think it was as bad as Alternia. Slavery, nice going  _Earth_. 

 And why would you want so many people as gifts anyway? 

 Thankfully, we were drifting through a dream bubble at the time, so I employed some ghosts to fill in for us. They're pretty much the only people who have less on their plates than me, so they were happy to oblige. 

 So yeah, spending a whole night creating objects and costumes and gifts and stupid lusus that didn't obey one single command was just a  _joy._

 Nevertheless, we got it done, just in time for the humans for which we put in more effort than they ever deserved to awake. 

 Both stumbled out of their rooms at the same time, bleary eyed, confused and not at all prepared for the mastery of a sight that they were to soon behold. 

 The look on their faces when they saw this huge band of gifts. I felt so smug. Had I finally broken their think pans? Had I finally broken Dave fucking Strider?

 The second thing Dave did after the grand reveal was laugh. Even  _Rose_  was laughing. Kanaya and I shared worried looks. 

 "Dude, what the hell?" Dave had choked out. "I should've known it was you, oh my god. Why?"

 I explained to him that it was Christmas and that he should know that, as it was his earth tradition in the first place. 

 "What?" The cogs finally turned in his head. "Oh my god, you took the song literally. Oh, this is too funny. Okay, one, it's not even Christmas for, like, 20 days yet and two, no one actually gives presents out according to the song. Well done on the effort but yeah, this isn't Christmas."

 The look on my face when he said this. If I could describe that look to you, you would never want to repeat a single word I spoke. 

 To put it simply, I was fucking murderous. 

 I proceeded after this, to chase Dave around the meteor shouting my head off and pleasantly describing the various ways I would kill him when I caught him.

 You better get me something as time wasting as I got you for Christmas, Strider. 

 

 

 


End file.
